Sometimes the river flows a little too fast.

So today i found my self pondering the fact that my oldest will start his LAST year of school this year.

WOW, what a short road it has been to this year. Soon i will be taking senior pictures, ordering a cap and gown....and hopefully watching my son walk down the first isle of his new life.

How do i feel? Well, so far very proud....sad, yes sad. Here i am holding a little miracle whose all of 19 months wondering where the time went. What will i do when he leaves. My whole life has been spent circling around a family, kids, needs, schedules....

Now i understand why i see groups of older (not old yet, just older) people sitting around talking about the old days. Or drinking. What does one do when they are 40, 50 and find themselves able to have a life of their own all of a sudden. it hits us almost like we weren't seeing it coming...like the last 18 years we thought was going to last till we got old or died.

 Hmmm...

...should i go back to college, find a hobby...maybe ill learn crochet, be one of them gals who carries a bag of yarn everywhere with me to work on christmas gifts.
...I could go ut and buy a motorcycle. i know how to ride...hrm, id have to affix a seat for the little man.
...Maybe ill focus on his life like i never could with the older ones...ill home school him or open a daycare or learning place for others to be home schooled.
...Maybe ill learn to cook....wait i already know how to cook...but would have no one to cook for.
...I could go to the land fill and find old crap, fix and refinish it and sell it in my front yard.

Who knows...all i know is it will be so scary and different. 

I am hoping this year i will be able to do more with them. Make the best out of the end of their child hoods. All i do hope is i made them good people. who will have good lives. not go thru the shit i have in my life. But what decent parent doesn't with that for their kids.

I plan to not think about how fast this year will go by. 

For now...i go cook dinner. Omelets w/hashbrowns and toast. 

TODAY...about before.

Funny, this photo beamed in and I really love it. I am not sure why...I do not like the song. Not at all! It's about losing your sunshine. But when a best friend asked what I wanted I said this. She IS my sunshine, my lil rainbow IS my sunshine, my loved ones ARE my sunshine. Please don't take my sunshine away........

So, have been swimming in the darkness now for a little over two years.
Today I do not feel like stating the entire story....I promise I will tho.

In February of 2011 I lost my child at 17 weeks. We had been fighting for a little over a month to save our lil miracle.
I say miracle because, after 13 years I found myself pregnant tho on an iud.
The days that have passed since, I call "The darkness". With every fiber of my being I believe my precious little one was a girl. Some days the light shines bright in "the darkness", some days not so much. But it lingers...and I think its making little barnacles on my being. I now embrace the darkness. It is my friend. A comfort that I still feel. So I don't fight it.
Since the darkness began my wonderful Ralph has became unable to work anymore. We struggled and fought to finally recieve SSD. Which has lightened our load but made life upside down from what it once was. I am now the full time worker. Which I don't mind. It gives me a time out of my own mind.
We decided after the loss to go ahead and have another child. I am now a proud parent of 3teenagers and a 18 mo old rainbow, which I KNOW saved my life. He is my calm dragon...a very special amazing tiny man.
I feel anxiety rising. A lot more than before the darkness. I still keep my calm but inside I do not know for how much longer. Thru the pregnancy, one and two, the fear grew and took grip. Now I fear with most of my self of another loss. I do not know what would be left of me then. I know I would move on, life has proved it goes on.  But as to what ...who knows.

I feel better writing, so now I will post my thoughts...the little things I never noticed with the older ones that are huge now. Maybe with this and the help of a few close ones I can dispose to I can see more light in my darkness.