TODAY...about before.

Funny, this photo beamed in and I really love it. I am not sure why...I do not like the song. Not at all! It's about losing your sunshine. But when a best friend asked what I wanted I said this. She IS my sunshine, my lil rainbow IS my sunshine, my loved ones ARE my sunshine. Please don't take my sunshine away........

So, have been swimming in the darkness now for a little over two years.
Today I do not feel like stating the entire story....I promise I will tho.

In February of 2011 I lost my child at 17 weeks. We had been fighting for a little over a month to save our lil miracle.
I say miracle because, after 13 years I found myself pregnant tho on an iud.
The days that have passed since, I call "The darkness". With every fiber of my being I believe my precious little one was a girl. Some days the light shines bright in "the darkness", some days not so much. But it lingers...and I think its making little barnacles on my being. I now embrace the darkness. It is my friend. A comfort that I still feel. So I don't fight it.
Since the darkness began my wonderful Ralph has became unable to work anymore. We struggled and fought to finally recieve SSD. Which has lightened our load but made life upside down from what it once was. I am now the full time worker. Which I don't mind. It gives me a time out of my own mind.
We decided after the loss to go ahead and have another child. I am now a proud parent of 3teenagers and a 18 mo old rainbow, which I KNOW saved my life. He is my calm dragon...a very special amazing tiny man.
I feel anxiety rising. A lot more than before the darkness. I still keep my calm but inside I do not know for how much longer. Thru the pregnancy, one and two, the fear grew and took grip. Now I fear with most of my self of another loss. I do not know what would be left of me then. I know I would move on, life has proved it goes on.  But as to what ...who knows.

I feel better writing, so now I will post my thoughts...the little things I never noticed with the older ones that are huge now. Maybe with this and the help of a few close ones I can dispose to I can see more light in my darkness.