Time...

The pain...
Knowing someone for most of 40 yrs.
Remembering the young years.
The smile...so true...so big.
The best friend I had...even thru bad times.
Biggest heart.
Would do anything for another before self.
Watching thru the years...
The smile fade...
Become forced...
sometimes fake.
Not knowing why.
Still the best friend I had.
As years pass that smile becomes very seldom real.
Tho I knew y....
there was nothing I could do...except listen...
hope it'd get better...
hope happiness would find a home again.
Making choices that would forever change your life.
Looking for an unconditional love....that wasn't there.
But it was.
No one knew how to help.
But we were here ....
Loving you ...
All along.
Just couldn't watch, the choices, the saddness.
Wishing, hoping, praying one day...someday...
the pain would forever be gone....happiness would find its home and you'd find the unconditional love you deserved. 
For real...
Forever...
Before we have to say goodbye.

You will forever have a piece of my heart...
My soul....
Forever.

Some things don't change

HI. I apologize ahead of time if there is any wierdnesses in this post. I cannot seem to post off my computer. Only my phone

Yesterday I watched "Safe Haven" with my family. This is a Nicholas Sparks film. This  man can write wonderful heart felt novels that really make a person think. Things about death, life, cancer, domestic violence and other very serious subjects. Of course you can depend on Mr. Sparks to have a tear or two but and somehow happy.

DANGER.....SPOILER ALERT....IF YOU DON'T WANT TO KNOW ABOUT THE MOVIE PLZ ENJOY ANOTHER OF MY POSTS OR SCROLL DOWN TO THE "DANGER SAFE" NOTICE BELOW FOR MORE CONVERSATION.

Safe Haven is no different. This movie starts with seeing a girl running. From what....who knows. Being chased...but by whom....again who knows. Then we find out its a cop who is looking for her. But still no clue why.

Then we see this gal roaming a sea side town. She finds a job at a local fish cafe. Finds a nice home out in the boonies. And meets a nice lady from down the road. At the local grocery....this is a VERY small tourist type place. There is a very nice guy with two kids.

Just so I don't divulge every detail...we will make short list. She is very stand awayish...even to the gal down the road. The people eventually make her friendship. She gets very close with the grocery guy. All the while if flashes back to the first guy, the cop, still vigilantly looking for her.

Then you see it...he makes a poster of her saying she is wanted........for murder?? Well time goes by and her new bf, the grocery guy finds out. She gets scared and plans to run. Tells him she never murdered anyone but hed never understand. She tells off her new friend. Telling her she's (the friend) stuck and knows it.

Of course just as she's leaving the bf comes and days sorry plz stay and hell help her. She tries to talk him out of it but he persists and says I love u. So she goes back to him and his home.

Then we flash back to the cop. He's getting fired for putting out the apb on her. That she never murdered anyone. She's his wife. In comes huge flashback to her life. Her making a pie. Him coming home and they fight. He is very angry. He is very abusive. He almost kills her. But she stabbed him which giveaway just enough time to get away. She goes to the lady across the street. She knows what has happened. She helps her cut her hair. Bleach her hair. Gives her some things and the girl runs.

This now x cop gets drunk and angry as hell. He goes looking for her. he has a phone number which gives him a town. He drinks a lot the whole way. It's 4th of July. The fireworks are going off over the bay. He finds her, they talk. They argue...I'm not giving off then end... But its Nicholas Sparks....but u can guess the end .... But if u don't know then u hqvmt seen it. And you should now be reading this!!!!

SPOILER ALERT DANGER OVER.....now on to my next subject surrounding this movie.

As I was watching this movie I had one of the hugest flashbacks to my own life.
I had that exact same life once.
That exact same fear.
Fear of men.
Fear of freedom.
Fear for my life.
I can  remember that exact same arguement. Many times. Always ending bad...for me. Except twice. I had friends who didn't let it happen. Once a friend honestly saved my life. I will always hold a spot in my heart for that.

I did as all abused women did. I made excuses. I blamed my self. I blamed his life making him drink. Do drugs... If I could make his life perfect he wouldn't get angry. He wouldn't hurt me.

He swore he never abused me. Cuz he never hit me. Just once....but that was different. I have to agree. I had plates thrown at me. I was tossed out of a moving truck...more than once. I had wood thrown at me. I was pinned to so many walls I don't remember. Usually with a forarm to the throat as he was screaming.  I was ran over by a four wheeler. I was "loved" whenever he wanted. However he wanted...sometimes to who he wanted. He said no other man would ever put up with me. He said he only married once...I needed to remember that. There was only one way out of it.  But he only hit me once.

The pain. The cuts. The bruising. The sicknesses. All had a reason, a story. I had no excuse for my actions. Anyone who knows me knows I can handle myself quite well. I may not have been able to seriously beat him ......but.  It was only one night in one of my high, drunken stupors I stood up to him. I hit him....hard.
Then I ran. I had some amazing friends who took me in. Who forced him to not be near me. Who paid no attention to the threats. I waited with these friends till he went hunting. I was to get my head on "right" by the time he got home. It was my "last chance" ...I was to remember, if I was not his I would never be anyone else's.
I ran......I ran home...to my friends...who I should of let help me before...but were happy I was ok.

They didn't know....i'd never be "ok" ...again.

Is it ingrained in men's heads how to act? What to say? Every time I see abuse its the same. The same actions. The same words.

I am with a man who ...I don't think would ever act like that. But...I hope I will never know...I have seen similar anger. But never towards me. I am his world. He is mine. That scares me as much as much as it embraces me.
I do hold hope. After 18 years ...I do hold hope. I do have scars Tho. Some may remain indefinitely. Some I believe....still.

Women....please...if any of this sounded familiar .... Act... It really is not you...its not ok... There are people who can help. Please.

Feeding a larger family

Feeding our family had never been a light or necessarily easy task.

 For one there is 6 of us.

 For two, i do not like grocery shopping. 

For three, the daily what are we having for dinner mom....gets old REALLY FAST. 

So i have devised away to help in all three areas. Granted when the kids were little i had to do all the shopping, cooking and most of the cleaning. Now everyone shares the tasks. I will share with you the method to our madness that really works...at least for us. 

To fix the "I don't like to shop" issue. I shop once a month. I do not pre plan and make menus or shop with tons of coupons or go to a whole bunch of stores. Remember i am mostly lazy. 

On a saturday i, or ralph and i ....which can get interesting, He likes to shop... head out to Costco and our local Grocery Outlet store. this adventure usually takes 3-4 hours. 

We walk the entire store, we grab the usual necessary items at Costco that normally beat other stores prices.

 Dog food, Diapers, 

Wipes

 T.P.

 Paper towels,

 Flea treatment, 

Eggs...not necessarily cheaper but thye are real big eggs so we love them, 

Bacon,

 Burritos, 

Eggos,

 Yogurt,

 Milk, 

Coffee,

 Creamer. 

Cheese

Vegetables...if you have a larger family to feed this place really is the best buy for veggies. they normally last quite well. The frozen bags of veggies are single froze. They are bigger. The package is a true recloseable type so we can use a little of alot. 

 Fruit...watch the fruit at costco...tho it is a great buy normally it can be on the verge of too ripe or past ripe. but if you look well, be choosy, you can get good food at good value. 

Along with the normal things purchased we keep look out to meats on sale, if we have a gathering coming up Costco is the best place to buy big cuts. otherwise their retail prices do beat other stores but if the other stores have a sale it will normally be better than Costco. 

We normally buy something we haven't had ...try a new food. Costco has many little tables that offer foods for you to try. 

Also at costco we can take a much needed break to enjoy a yummie...Plus you can't beat grabbin a 8 in hotdog/polish sausage AND a soda for 1.50$

We then take our finds home and have the  kids help put away. Then off to Grocery Outlet store, or maybe another store if they are having a good meat sale.

At this store , the Grocery Outlet, there is a plethora of  extremely discounted items, many in bulk sizes for our family. We purchase certain frozen veggies, meal kits, fish, deli meats, and chicken. On a normal run we can purchase 600-800$ worth of foods for 200-300$ easy, all the time. love that place. Also every month there is different items to choose from. Some quite unique for our area.

When we get home and get things put away i pull out my paper and go over the receipt. I write down all the meats or main course items...i at one time, or still sometimes when the $$ are short, i would take these items and make meals out of them. listing the side or veggie. All of it would go on a list stuck to the fridge and meals would be chosen and marked off. 

Now that the kids are older i just list the main item. From those items the kids choose meals weekly. Normally they write their name next to the food...sometimes with the side they chose. 

We have devised a new cleaning routine to match these dinner days. Everyone has a dinner day. On their dinner day they are responsible to make their choice dinner. Alot of the time i do have to aid in helping figure out the how to...or a recipe. They are also responsible for cleaning the kitchen after. Yeah i know...i cook i don't clean was the way i grew up. but....with three kids there was all ways an issue with "he didn't do this" or "i allways have to do this". But with this way they are responsible for only their own messes. I have found if they know they have to clean up their own mess. They do not make near as much of a mess. No where near as much. If the dishes or something is not done....it is done by the kiddo before the next days dinner is started. Much better....

On average we spend 400 -600 $$ for our family of 6 monthly depending on the sales found. Of this money our meals include a meat, veggie ,sometimes a fruit or pasta/bread...not everyday tho. I do not feed my family processed or "pre" prepared meals. All are from scratch meats using real foods.  Usually this includes a 7th meal a few times a week for a friend or a big gathering for many. We even have room in the budget for Ralph's sodas and a weekly dessert or two.   

Noms

GRILLED PEACH CRISP

Today i found peaches that really needed some lovin. Didn't feel like being inside. So i rummaged through the fridge and came up with a yummy dessert for the 6 of us. 

Mostly healthy, tho the kids didn't even notice they want tom make them again tonight...

IN A BOWL I WHIPPED UP SOME OF THAT : NEWFCHATEL CHEESE 

(THE FAT FREE HEALTHY CREAM CHEESE) 

WITH SOME ALLSPICE

I GOT 6 PEACHES... CUT THEM IN HALF

THEN BRUSHED WITH BUTTER

BE SURE YOUR GRILL IS BRUSHED WITH OIL TOO

HEAT UP GRILL AND PLACE FLESH SIDE DOWN FOR ABOUT 3 MIN

AFTER THEY ARE OFF THE GRILL

I SPOONED IN A BIT OF THE CREAM CHEESE MIXTURE IN THE PIT SPOT 

 I SPRINKLED THEM WITH A TEASPOON OF BROWN SUGAR.

 THEY EACH GOT 2 HALVES... ONE PEACH

NOMS

SILVERWOOD

Last weekend was our family's first visit to silverwood.

For the years past we have not had the ability to enjoy the thrills of scareing ourselves to death on various rides. sad .

But...OMG to hear a boy who is all of a man scream like a little girl is worth a way higher ticket price!!!

This one ride goes almost 200ft on the poles and 65 miles per hour. Granted it is a rather short ride due to the speed....but...i don't know of many people who would want to go on much of a longer ride. You wait usually near an hour to get on this ride. A coaster of sorts. All the while watching the ride going over and over. Hearing the people screaming over and over. Both women and men. the Younger ones were the less likely to scream ... you had to be 48" to even think of going on this ride.

Within the first 15 min there was a call of vomit. Yay...didn't think about that possibility. Let me tell you why vomit would not be good.....no matter where you sat.
This AWESOME ride starts with you getting strapped in...i mean strapped in...there is not any possibility of movement...if you wish they will tighten the harnesses till even the movement of breathing itself isn't going to happen... As this is going on for like a century, for over god knows how many seats, they are telling you of the repairs that were done and the "screw" they never found a home for. Apparently this is a scribed story as it is repeated every now and then when they know they have newbies on board. There you are then waiting...then a creep, backwards, facing the earth,  up a pole...for what seems like forever. You then stop. You almost catch your breath when you don't even get the chance to regret this idea. The seats move. Ahh the seats, forgot that part. These are sit in seats. Your feet are hanging. Your arms are free...if they weren't super glued to the braces cuz you really think that helps. Whoosh your off.....so fast you don't have a clue whats going on or where your going, into a loop round and round and up another pole. Now facing up...nice and slow...never knowing just when you are going to hit the top. When all of a sudden whoosh....you do it all over again ...but this time you cant even see where it is you are flying to. Up and round and round and back to the first pole once more. Knowing from watching for an hour this is it. It's finally over. You are not sure if you will be able to move. Not sure if you want to laugh scream or cry...or maybe you all ready have...not sure. That was fast. It seemed like it was never gonna end. Tho it was like a minute long. You wait. You unbuckle. You remember you have feet....yes they are still there. All most forgot them.
That was horrible. That was fast. That was absolutely the most amazing ride!!!! and Now you become addicted!
So... if you sit in the front, middle or back of the seats. There is no possible way to avoid getting puke on you. All you can do is hope 1. the ride is moving and the puke flies away...maybe on some unsuspecting spectator...LOL or 2. the ride is done and the puke just goes down.

The panic plunge,. is similar but you just go up and drop...the cool thing about it is you have no clue when its going to drop. It just happens.

My absolutely favorite ride has to be the spin cycle.

 It is like the parking lot carnival ride kamikazi....but MUCH taller and it spins while your going round and round. LOVE IT!!!

There is also a water park...not far diff from most water parks. It did have a family raft ride that was Awesome! It is a 4-6 person raft. in a HUGE hole....enclosed. all there is is tiny green lights...which do no good ... as you go down hundreds of feet twisting and going up sides and turning and dropping....SWEETNESS AND WETNESS! 

there was old favorites like thunder canyon which is a 8 person "white water" raft ride...low key but fun! I got to sit it out with chris and let ralph go. There wasn't many rides he could safely go on. So ... i hunted down a quarter, watched and waited. There is a place where, with your little quarter, you get to spray unsuspecting raft riders... BEST QUARTER I HAVE EVER SPENT! Some of the funnest part is watching the people who know about it begging you not to spray them. 

Chris and i hit the carnival games as ralph and koda went on bumper cars and victor and britt went on the Avalanche. He got a stuffed crayon for picking a duck out of a pond. But i am most proud of his throwing skills. There is a table with holes. some colored, some not. You have to throw a wiffle ball to the table and land on one of the colored circles to win. Chris stood up on the ledge. Took 4 throws to reach the table, but when he did...his first try goton a colored circle. He chose a stuffed car. :)

I didn't goon as many rides as i expected to. I got drawn into enjoying my family having one of the best days of their lives. I am hoping to have many more before they leave me...............

Stuff and more Stuff

So, we have been pondering a move. This has me all sorts of ways of sideways. it will be a big move. biggest of our life and completely life changing

. New home,

 New school, 

New town,
New state, 

New job, 

New landlord. 

New friends,

 New stores, 

New places.....

NEW ADVENTURES.

 Each one with new anxieties.

For now i have dismissed all this from my mind.  I do not need the extra anxiety. Daily i take my anxiety and turn it into something productive and positive. I have tho looked at my home and opened my eyes to ....wow 18 yrs worth of shit!!!! So my new focus in the next few weeks is to clean and clear...i have a system...my husband is not exactly happy with it but....oh well. I'm ready for the battles.

Everything and anything that we haven't used in the last year is GONE, whether to be sold or given away or tossed....its gone. I started in the kitchen. My cupboards are filled with things i haven't likely seen in years, let alone used. but, not necessarily things i want to get rid of. so i made an inventory... use daily, use weekly, use once in a while...like monthly or less and used maybe once a year. this is what i came up with:

Used daily:
Lg fry pan
Sm fry pan
medium pot
coffee pot
6 plates, glasses, cups, bowls, and silverware
spatula
wooden spoon
microwave

Used weekly:
can opener
tongs
egg beater
other wooden spoons
serving / mixing bowls , the pourable ones

Used once i a while but at least monthly:
slow cooker...sometimes weekly
toaster
shaker bowl
Pyrex cookware
bacon press
bigger pots

Used rarely but at least yearly:
lg serving platters...i have quite a few
lg serving bowls
dishware for 20
roasting pan
blender
rotisserie

That is the amount of things i can live with...easily. But that's not the amount of things i have. We have cleaned the kitchen completely and found loads of lids that I'm not sure what they go to. a whole cupboard i do not think i have opened in a year....kinda scares me. likely wont enter it alone...pretty big!! I have the top two shelves of a pantry full of odd things. And I'm not quite sure what all i will find while looking at these things.

So....my task goal for today:

open all my cupboards...
empty them...
 be sure the contents are clean...
wipe down the shelves...
put only the items on my list back in the cupboards, hopefully neater than they are now.


 The yearly used items i plan to hide in my buffet and on the storage shelves i have.. I'm not sure what I'll think of using something for its intended purpose. That don't happen often around here. Everything left....go bye bye!!!

Off i go now. Giving Chris a few pots, wooden spoons and all the magnets i can find. I'll post back later and let you know how this adventure turned out.

Sometimes the river flows a little too fast.

So today i found my self pondering the fact that my oldest will start his LAST year of school this year.

WOW, what a short road it has been to this year. Soon i will be taking senior pictures, ordering a cap and gown....and hopefully watching my son walk down the first isle of his new life.

How do i feel? Well, so far very proud....sad, yes sad. Here i am holding a little miracle whose all of 19 months wondering where the time went. What will i do when he leaves. My whole life has been spent circling around a family, kids, needs, schedules....

Now i understand why i see groups of older (not old yet, just older) people sitting around talking about the old days. Or drinking. What does one do when they are 40, 50 and find themselves able to have a life of their own all of a sudden. it hits us almost like we weren't seeing it coming...like the last 18 years we thought was going to last till we got old or died.

 Hmmm...

...should i go back to college, find a hobby...maybe ill learn crochet, be one of them gals who carries a bag of yarn everywhere with me to work on christmas gifts.
...I could go ut and buy a motorcycle. i know how to ride...hrm, id have to affix a seat for the little man.
...Maybe ill focus on his life like i never could with the older ones...ill home school him or open a daycare or learning place for others to be home schooled.
...Maybe ill learn to cook....wait i already know how to cook...but would have no one to cook for.
...I could go to the land fill and find old crap, fix and refinish it and sell it in my front yard.

Who knows...all i know is it will be so scary and different. 

I am hoping this year i will be able to do more with them. Make the best out of the end of their child hoods. All i do hope is i made them good people. who will have good lives. not go thru the shit i have in my life. But what decent parent doesn't with that for their kids.

I plan to not think about how fast this year will go by. 

For now...i go cook dinner. Omelets w/hashbrowns and toast.